Where is the hickey?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
