put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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