i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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