I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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