Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
