I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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