All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
