Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
