I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just want nice things and good sex
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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