I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
