Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
