i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
