Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
