I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
