I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
