If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
