I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
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wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
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He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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