He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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