ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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