I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
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I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just gargled with NyQuil
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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