I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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