cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
