How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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