I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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