How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks