yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Randomize
