I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
