i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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