You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I met the friendliest cop last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
