chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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