So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
