Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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