eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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