I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
