i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
