I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
