I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
