Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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