Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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