There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
