Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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