Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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