I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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