I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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