so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Help. Why am I so naked?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
