I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
