i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
