It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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