They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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