You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
