how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
