a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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