It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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