I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
