You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
