I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My liver just broke up with me...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
