I wish I only lived at night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
