I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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