I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
